Dear NOA: Why Has My Libido Disappeared?
💌 Dear NOA,
This feels a bit awkward to write, but here goes. My libido has pretty much vanished. I’m in my mid-thirties, healthy-ish, no new medications, and life is busy but manageable. I’ve got two kids under seven, so yes, I’m tired, but it’s more than that. I love my partner, and we still get along, but when it comes to sex? I just don’t want it. Not even a little. It feels like something shut off in me, and I don’t know how to get it back. Is this just what motherhood does to you? Or is something else going on?
- Mum of 2 & Want My Spark Back
Dear Mum of 2,
I won’t start with advice. I’ll start with the truth: you are not broken. And you’re not the only one feeling this way.
There was a time when I couldn’t remember the last time I’d wanted sex, let alone initiated it.
There was a time I googled “why don’t I want sex anymore?” in the Sainsbury’s car park, eating dry oatcakes because I’d skipped lunch again. My partner had just kissed my neck that morning and I’d recoiled, not out of disgust, but out of sheer emptiness. I’d go through the motions of my day - work, dinner, bedtime routines for the kids. I was tired, not just bone tired, but emotionally flat. The kind of tiredness where even touch felt like another thing someone needed from me.
I felt so far from myself. Like the version of me who used to feel super sexy, confident and connected was a long forgotten memory.
Libido isn’t a luxury. It’s a barometer. It’s your body whispering “Hey, I need something too.”
And when you’re a mother who is stretched between school runs, forgotten PE kits, supermarket lists, homework folders and emotional firefighting, there's barely enough left to feel human, let alone sensual. So if you're wondering where your libido has gone, let’s say this: it hasn’t left you. It’s just buried under the noise.
Just because it's normal for libido to dip after kids, doesn't mean you have to live like this forever.
Let’s break it down the NOA way: gentle, grounded, and full of science-backed love.
Why Is My Libido Low?
Research suggests up to 40% of women experience low desire at some point, and the number climbs in our thirties - especially for mums. But it’s not just about being “in the mood.”
You might notice:
No spontaneous desire (even with time and space)
Less pleasure or sensitivity during touch
Feeling emotionally distant or mentally overstimulated
Not even thinking about sex or feeling indifferent when you do
Libido isn’t a switch. It’s a whole operating system in itself. And when that system is under pressure, desire is often the first thing to go quiet.
Here's the thing no one tells us: modern motherhood often leaves very little room for desire. Between early wake-ups, making packed lunches, sleep regressions, toddler tantrums, mental load, and invisible labour, most of us are running on caffeine and not a whole lot else in the tank. To say libido is just about wanting sex is to simplify the issue. It's about having the mental, emotional, and physical capacity to even think about it.
So, What’s Actually Going On Inside You When You’re Not Interested In Sex?
1. Hormones After Kids Are No Joke
After pregnancy, your body does a full hormonal remix and they don’t always bounce back smoothly. Oestrogen, progesterone, and testosterone all play a role in libido. If you’re breastfeeding or have been on hormonal contraception, these levels may be even more suppressed. Plus, the hormonal shifts that start in your mid-thirties (hello perimenopause) can affect vaginal dryness, mood, and sex drive - often before we even realise what’s happening.
And let’s not forget oxytocin - the hormone of bonding. When you’ve got little ones climbing all over you all day, your oxytocin needs may already feel maxed out. For some women, this sensory overload makes the thought of physical touch feel like one too many.
2. Stress Is a Desire Killer
Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is beautiful, but it’s also a constant background stressor. School runs, bedtime battles, mental load, work-life juggle... your body prioritises survival, not sex. Elevated cortisol (your stress hormone) suppresses your sex hormones and puts your nervous system in fight-or-flight. Which means you’re not just tired, your body is actively shutting down desire.
And here’s the clinch, even if you think you’re coping fine, your body may still be under low-grade chronic stress. That’s nervous system dysregulation. And libido does not thrive in that environment.
Signs of stress-induced dysregulation include:
Snapping over small things
Feeling wired-but-tired
Shallow breathing or clenching
Going numb or zoning out when touched
Excessive screen-scrolling
3. The Invisible Weight of Emotional Load and Clutter
Even if you get a night off from the kids, it can be hard to mentally shift gears. If you’re holding tension, resentment, or even unspoken frustration in your relationship (common post-kids), that emotional static can mute your libido too. Sex requires safety, trust, and bandwidth. And most mums? It’s not even on their radar.
Add in the pressure to "bounce back into shape", stay connected, be sexy, be maternal, be present, be perfect... it's a cocktail of contradictions. Many women I speak to say they’ve lost their sense of self entirely. And libido? It lives in that same part of you. The part that knows herself.
4. Nutrient Gaps & Energy Deficits
It is easy for new mums to run low on iron if overlooked. B12, magnesium and essential fats all play role in energy, mood and libido. If you’re skipping meals, relying on caffeine, or still recovering from pregnancy depletion, your body might not have the resources to prioritise sex. It’s not just in your head. It’s in your cells.
If you’ve experienced birth trauma, breastfeeding struggles, or sleep deprivation that borders on torture, your body may still be recovering. Libido will never show up when your body is still in protection mode.
How to Rebuild Desire (Without Pressure or Performative Sex)
Stop trying to do more. I’m giving you permission here to soften into the truth of what you need. Here’s where to start:
1. Understand Your Cycle
Your follicular phase (after your period) is when libido tends to rise naturally. The luteal phase (before your period)? Not so much. If you notice your desire shifts during the month, you’re not imagining it. Try syncing intimacy with the times you do feel more open and communicating with your partner about the days when rest or cuddles feel better.
This alone can be a game-changer, because it gives you permission to not force it every week. It creates space for ebb and flow, rather than expecting a flatline of desire.
2. Create Safety, Not Seduction
Your nervous system needs to feel safe to be turned on. That might mean going to bed early, tidying your bedroom, dimming the lights, or even just asking for a longer hug. Desire often comes after we feel relaxed, not before.
You could also explore sensuality in non-sexual ways: a bath with oils, self-massage, dancing slowly to music. Reconnect to your body, outside of anyone else’s expectations. When you start to feel more at home in your body, you may notice flickers of desire reappearing.
3. Support Your Nutrients
Magnesium glycinate is a quiet wonder. It supports sleep, calms cortisol, and gently helps regulate hormones. Add in iron-rich foods (or supplements if needed), omega-3s, and a good B-complex or continuing with your prenatal - especially if you’re postnatal or still breastfeeding.
And if you’re someone who feels “wired but tired,” a full thyroid panel might be worth exploring. Suboptimal thyroid function is hugely underdiagnosed in women and can tank libido, energy, and mood.
4. Ditch the Goal of “Getting It Back”
Instead of trying to feel like your pre-baby self, what if you got curious about what feels good now? Intimacy can look like talking in bed, massaging each other’s feet, or even just touching without expectation. When pressure goes down, pleasure often returns.
Focus on connection before performance. That could be a shared podcast, hand on thigh, laugh in the kitchen. Let it be slow. Let it be honest. Let it be personal.
5. Test, Don’t Guess
If you’ve tried the basics and libido is still missing in action, it might be time to check your hormones, thyroid, and nutrient levels. NOA’s Empower Plan includes home testing and expert advice, because you shouldn’t have to guess what your body needs.
Knowledge is power. But compassion is the real key. You deserve both.
Coming Home to Yourself
Sometimes, low libido is about hormones. But often, it’s about something even more sacred: disconnection from yourself.
From the woman you were. The one you are becoming. The part of you that exists outside of labels like mum, wife, friend, or colleague.
What does she want? What does she miss? What makes her feel alive?
These are the questions that matter most. Your libido, when gently welcomed, often begins to answer them.
So start there. Not with a to-do list or another supplement. But with a cup of tea, a moment of silence, and the quiet courage to ask: what would feel like self-care right now?
That’s where it begins.
With love and no pressure,
— NOA
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Because desire isn’t just about love - it’s about stress, hormones, energy, and how safe your nervous system feels.
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Yes! Magnesium glycinate can ease stress, support better sleep, and help rebalance the hormonal systems that influence desire.
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Start with sleep, nourishment, and emotional connection. Add in magnesium, B vitamins, and track your cycle. And above all, be kind to yourself.
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Low libido is common - but it deserves attention. Testing hormones and seeking support can help uncover and address the root cause.
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NHS Inform. (2023). Low sex drive in women
British Menopause Society. (2022). The impact of perimenopause and menopause on sexual health.
Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism. (2021). The role of testosterone and oestrogen in female sexual desire
Cleveland Clinic. (2022). How stress affects your hormones
Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. (2021). Female sexual health
Harvard Health Publishing. (2020). Magnesium: The overlooked mineral for women's health
PubMed (2020). Thyroid dysfunction and sexual function in women
The Gottman Institute. (2021). Emotional intimacy and its role in desire